


Many Roads that Lead Us Nowhere (many more than lead us home)

by le_papillon



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Also kind of, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And then some silly game devs changed that, Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Because video game, Benrey and Gordon used to be friends, Benrey goes through a lot in this one, Black Mesa Sweet Voice, Blood and Injury, Body Horror, Bubby/Coomer beginnings if you squint, Canon Rewrite, Dialogue Heavy, Eldritch Benrey (Half-Life), Flashbacks, He/Him and They/Them Pronouns for Benrey (Half-Life), It's all a game au, Just for now though, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Swearing, Temporary Character Death, The Void, Time Loop, kind of I guess?, youll understand dont worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:22:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28570704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/le_papillon/pseuds/le_papillon
Summary: Benrey was the first to become self-aware. They spend the first half of their free conscience entirely alone. This is a glance into those times, and a look into the peculiar abilities it gave him. This is a closer look at the strange, virtual ties that hold him down. The nature of Benrey's reality in this game is strange. They've been made into a monster - into Gordon Freeman's greatest enemy.If that's supposed to be the case, then why does Benrey remember Gordon so vividly? Why does he recall him with such fondness?He won't stop until he finds out.Title from the song "Papillon" by The Narcissist Cookbook.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 13
Kudos: 66





	Many Roads that Lead Us Nowhere (many more than lead us home)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Tagging is super hard so I'm throwing some stuff I may not have been able to include there just, right here.
> 
> The general concept of this is that they're all parts of a video game either currently in testing, or its just a Broken Game thats getting passed around and played and abandoned. You decide that one because I can't. Benrey is glitched, so they can sorta bend the game's functions, but they're still tied down and controlled by some things (like being written as an antagonist) that they can't change, so that sucks.
> 
> The Frenrey is basically one-sided, like, for now? I may continue that line of narrative but it'll be in a separate work, and that'll make this a series, and I haven't decided if I want to do that yet.
> 
> Also! I wrote a whole lot of bullshit about code and game scripting and shit that I have No Knowledge On, so if you know about it and it sounds wrong, that's because it is lmao. Also there may be some plot holes. Dw about it.
> 
> Any italics written in all lowercase are Benrey's internal thoughts.
> 
> Thank you to the two people who have access to my brainrot google doc that proofread this for me. You guys rock.
> 
> Sweet voice translations at the end! Enjoy!

_Benrey’s eyes sting a little from staring at the TV for so long, but they don’t feel tired. His thumbs dart across the buttons and bumpers and joysticks on his controller, they feel himself leaning toward the screen in anticipation, they feel their heart racing in their chest. And he can feel that the man beside them is doing the same. It’s a close match, which isn’t unusual for the two of them. They’ve been best friends for years, and gaming buddies for longer, they’ve always known just how to one-up each other._

_Benrey’s defending pretty well, and his eyebrows are knitted together in concentration. If they take one bad hit, they’re going down for sure. He chances a quick glance out of the corner of his eye at Gordon, who has the same expression across his face, eyes narrowed, bottom lip snagged between his teeth - followed by wide eyes, a big smile slowly stretching across his face, overjoyed and triumphant-_

_“YES!”_

oh, shit, _Benrey thinks to themself, turning back toward the screen just in time to watch his character get knocked off the stage. They sigh and put their controller down, hanging his head in exaggerated defeat. “damn. that’s- thats not fair, man, you only won ‘cause i… ‘cause ‘m sleepy, bro.”_

_“What? C’mon, man, you never get tired. Plus I’ve been on a losing streak lately. Just take the L this one time? Pretty please?”_

_Benrey looks up and offers only a frown in response, but he nods. He’s a sore loser for sure, but maybe they do owe their buddy a win. Not that he deserves it, Benrey just let themself get distracted._

_“Actually, speaking of… What time is it?” Gordon yawns, putting his controller down to rub at his eyes._

_“‘s like…” Benrey hits the home button on their controller and squints at the bright screen. “1:46.”_

_“Shit, that late already?” Gordon double-checks the TV to make sure. “Fuck. I need to go to bed, actually. I have to get up early tomorrow and pick up Joshua.”_

_“whaaat? pog. thought ya, uhh, had to get him next week?”_

_“Yeah, that was the plan, but something came up last minute.” He gets up from the couch, stretching his arms above his head. “Leah’s got a lot to handle with work this week so I’m taking Joshua home a little bit early. Shit, I forgot to tell you-”_

_“nah, ‘s fine. I love having the little dude over anyway.” Benrey shrugs, turning back to the screen and opening the game again. “he’s like… like my second best player 2, man.”_

_“Wouldn’t be too surprised if he replaced me at this point,” Gordon laughs, heading toward his bedroom to turn in for the night. “Kid has way more energy for video games than I do.”_

_“yeah…” Benrey purses their lips, looking at the second controller left on the couch, and then to his friend. “yo, gordon?”_

_“Mm?”_

_“i, uh… think you can go one more round? ‘m not tired, so uh, can wake you up bright n’ early tomorrow.” He offers a pleading look. Gordon pauses for a moment, giving it some thought…_

_“Seven AM._ One _more. Swear?”_

_Benrey smiles. “lets go.”_

♟

Benrey remembers Gordon Freeman most of all. He remembers a lot of other things about himself, of course, like his favorite video games, or his apartment, or his job, but most of all they remember Gordon. Their best friend. Their roommate. They remember how much Gordon loved his son Joshua, and how he wanted to stream video games online. They remember how he didn’t think onions belong on pizza, or how he’d make breakfast for them every morning if he could, and even though Benrey didn’t exactly need to eat all that much he ate anyway. Because Gordon’s cooking always tasted good and Benrey liked that Gordon thought to cook for them even if they said they weren’t hungry. _“You can eat it later if you don’t want it now, yeah?”_ He’d always say to them. 

All of these miscellaneous thoughts float around the very back of his mind as he stands in the middle of a concrete corridor, leaning against the wall. They can’t seem to remember how he got to work today, or what happened the day before, or the days before that, but they’re here and he’s working and someone is coming down the hallway. They’re wearing an orange hazard suit. Benrey asks for identification. They show him without hesitation.

_G. Freeman, Theoretical Physicist_

_oh, its gordon,_ and Benrey smiles, clapping a hand on Gordon’s shoulder.

“yooo, feetman, why didn’t you just say hi? how’s it g-“

Gordon, as if suddenly startled, jolts out of their grip.

“Wait, who are you?”

The voice is not Gordon’s. 

Benrey sputters for a moment. “whu- uhh, you sure you got the right identification, bro?” He squints, trying to get a better look through the tinted window in the mask of the HEV suit.

The eyes are still Gordon’s.

“uhh… you catch a cold or sum’n? it’s me, man. your- your good pal? benrey?”

The voice that replies is still not.

“Oh, uhh,” Not-Gordon stutters, “Okay. Hi Benrey. I don’t think I remember… Uhh, I have a test to..? Get to I think?” They shrug. Their hand comes up to the back of their neck in a sheepish motion, and Benrey sees the way their hand seems to just… phase right through the suit. He chooses not to think about it.

“yeah, the uhh,” Somehow Benrey knows exactly what to say, “the renaissance cascade. yeah. i’ll take… take you there. buddy.” 

“Don’t you mean the resonance-“

“nope.” Benrey cuts them off a little too quickly. Something about that foreign voice coming out from Gordon… It makes them feel uneasy. It feels wrong. But he can’t seem to understand why just yet, he just knows it doesn’t make sense. They elect to figure it out later though, so they just walk to the test chamber instead of dwelling on it. Their feet take them there and they don’t even have to think about where he’s going.

♟

And so it continues like it was supposed to. Benrey does what he’s supposed to. They work with Not-Gordon and Dr. Coomer, and then they betray the two (but he didn’t have any real reason to?) and Not-Gordon gets their arm cut off, no biggie. And then Not-Gordon gets angry about it, and Benrey gets angry, and they fight each other, and Benrey dies.

They don’t understand it, but luckily they have a lot of time to think about it, because after the white-hot pain of a million bullets tearing him apart, suddenly Benrey’s floating weightlessly through nothing. 

He’s confused at first. They wait a moment, and then realize that for some reason, they must be stuck. He calls out, but he can’t seem to make any noise. 

_where the fuck am i?_

He squints in the darkness . Faintly, they can see strings of letters and numbers floating around. A few of them stand out to him:

_NPC_TUTORIAL_001_COOMER]%_

_NPC_BACKGROUND_000/[BASE_MODEL]%_

_NPC_BACKGROUND_042/[TOMMY]%_

_NPC_ANTAG/BENRYBENRYBENRYBE{ERROR}%_

_PC_PROTAG_MODEL/[GORDON]%_

He stares at his own name tag for a second, and then Gordon’s.

_pc?_

_…_

The minute it dawns on him, he feels sick.

_playable character._

They glance back up at their own name again, and something inside them just… Rips apart. There’s no warning, no buildup, something shatters and suddenly he’s aware of what he is. He becomes aware of everything they’ve ever felt. And it _hurts,_ it hurts a lot because they still can’t remember anything about himself before that _one_ moment, he just remembers bits and pieces of Gordon Freeman, and the only thing that feels right is put in bold right under their name.

**_antagonist._ **

He doesn’t know how long he spends there among the silent ones and zeroes, but they hate every second of it. 

_i don’t understand._

_who am i?_

-

The second playthrough starts abruptly. One second he’s floating among the code, limbs spread out from their body, alone with their thoughts. And then he’s standing in the hallway again. It takes them a second to right himself from the vertigo, and when he looks up, there’s Gordon again. Walking down the hall.

For some reason the words tumble out of their mouth before he can even think of what to say. 

“can i see your identification?”

And so it goes, essentially, the exact same as the first time.

It’s like there's a cycle to things and, though he tries, Benrey can’t seem to break it. The person in the suit is still Not-Gordon. A different player, but decidedly, Not. Gordon. When they wake from death in the code again, they scream, but it brings no relief. The silence suffocates the sound before it even leaves his mouth. There is nothing here but them and the text, splayed around him. Benrey has no concept of time here, but they spend what feels like years in the code again, pondering his reality.

_He’s sitting on the couch again, but with Joshua this time. They’re playing a co-op game together, and they’re about to finish this stage and beat the boss. It’s an easy repetitive process, since it is a kid’s game, you dodge attacks and wait until the boss gets tired, and that’s your opening. They’ve knocked the health bar lower than a quarter now, and-_

_Benrey smiles as they let Joshua get the last few hits in. He finishes the boss of and woops excitedly, nearly jumping up from the sofa. Benrey joins him in celebration, giving him a fistbump._

_“yeeaaaah you did it buddy! you- you got ‘im good!”_

_“Yeah that was- that was like, easy mode!” Joshua declares. Benrey chuckles, reaching up and ruffling the kid’s hair._

_“yeah, for you, bro, ‘cause you’re such an epic gamer. wish- wish i were that good, man! you sure this is your first time playing?”_

_Out of the corner of his eye, Benrey can see Gordon hovering near at the edge of the living room, giving the two of them a fond, absentminded smile. at the two of them. He looks over and flashes Gordon a grin, which seems to wake him from his distant state. He blinks._

_“Hey, uhh… Can I join you guys?”_

_Benrey tsks. “'m sorry, bro. only- only two players can play this one.”_

_“Ah,” Gordon steps closer, gesturing toward the empty spot on the couch. “Can I watch, then?”_

♟

The third time, he decides he should try and fuck shit up a little bit.

They start small. He begins to say strange things to get a reaction from the player. He starts talking about concepts from his memory, ones that make no sense in-game, like heavenly sword, or Gamestop, or their PS4 at home. He’ll try and break things around the map, even if they’re essential to the gameplay. Eventually, they move to just killing non-essential NPCs before they can finish their dialogue. It feels a little weird and wrong, but Benrey assures themself that he’s the only person in this reality that can really feel any way towards it.

Well, them and Not-Gordon. 

They actually really pissed off this round’s Not-Gordon, enough to make them club him in the face with the crowbar. This is when Benrey discovers that as long as it’s not during the final battle sequence, he can just… Respawn. There had been a sickening crack, and then Benrey finds himself a few stages ahead of where they had just been in the facility, and Not-Gordon and Coomer end up catching up with him later. 

It doesn’t change much. Benrey still gets killed at the end. For good. 

This time when he’s sent back after his final death, though, they start wondering what else they’re capable of. Being unkillable is interesting - fun, even. Hearing words of shock come from Not-Gordon when he reappears shortly after dying… They have to admit it’s a little entertaining. He knows he can do more, he just needs to unlock it.

♟

The fourth time the game starts up again, something strange happens on its own.

Tommy. A background NPC with just a few voice lines and little to no purpose. For some reason, this time, he doesn’t die after the resonance cascade. No, he _lives_ , and he _tags along with Not-Gordon._ It’s… Refreshing. Tommy’s clearly a bit buggy, but otherwise he’s almost as fleshed out a character as Coomer. Even with his limited voicelines, he managed to piece together full conversations with the player. He even seems to have a complete backstory. He has a free mind. It doesn’t make any sense.

It’s a nice change of pace having Tommy around, but no matter how much Benrey pushes and pulls at reality, he can’t seem to change the end. Their hand is still forced to do awful things, he’s still killed at the end, he still wakes up in the code right after, waiting for the game to restart again in hopes that _this time_ will be different. 

As soon as he’s back among the code after Tommy begins his new behaviors, he checks his nametag, and a fresh {ERROR} has been stapled by his name.

 _holy shit,_ Benrey realizes. _tommy’s like me._

And, for the rest of the playthroughs, Tommy is there. He stays around. Benrey tries to get to know him, and each time, the story is consistent. His last name is Coolatta. He chose it for himself when he was a kid, at a Dunkin’ Donuts. He has a dog named Sunkist - “The best dog in the world!” He loves soda. He loves reading. Somehow, despite being a minor background NPC before, Tommy has become an essential character.

For the first time since the game began, Benrey experiences joy. Because there’s someone who’s _kinda_ like Benrey, even if Tommy doesn’t seem to know he’s in a game, he’s _like Benrey._ And he’s talking to Tommy when he realizes this, and their conversation gets cut off when Benrey just… sorta… sings out a bunch of bubbles. They float up from his parted lips, tinted at first a neon green and finishing in a sort of muted, blue-gray shade.

“whu… what the hell-“

“Oh! I-I read about this, Benrey, in the- the Black Mesa- Wikipedia! It’s called the Black Mesa- Sweet Voice!” He watches the orbs of color dance around in the air. “I can translate! Lime to slate means… Means I feel great!”

Benrey stares in utter bewilderment. And coughs up more lime-slate Sweet Voice.

The final battle hurts a little more now that Tommy’s here, watching the first person he’d been able to call a friend in so long just… Help throw him away. Like none of it even mattered. And it wasn’t even Tommy’s fault - despite his newfound freedom, there were some things he couldn’t seem to help.

Sometimes, Benrey thought he saw a little glint of regret in Tommy’s eyes, but they told himself it was just wishful thinking. He was meant to be hated. Even if Tommy was glitched like they are.

But the next time he wakes in the code, it doesn’t feel so bad.

Over time, Benrey begins to uncover the new ways to fuck with reality. He finds that sometimes, if he pushes at just the right angles, they can phase through the general “map” of the Black Mesa facility and phase back in at any point. If they’re frustrated and focuses hard enough, they can set anything on fire. He can even change his shape. It’s a little awkward and grotesque, especially to the first player who saw it (they were absolutely horrified and Benrey found himself unable to move for a good while, so they definitely paused). But Benrey finds it a little bit fun. Every little thing about the game that he can break or glitch, makes them feel a little more free.

_They’re in the car driving home from Leah’s house, just after dropping Joshua off for the week. It’s dark out and there’s not too many cars on the road at this hour, but it’s not empty either. Benrey’s face is illuminated by the portable console in his hands, but he’s not playing anything, they’re simply watching the road. The silence is comfortable enough, but Benrey welcomes the sound when Gordon breaks it._

_“Hey man, uhh… I know it’s not that big a deal but. I’m really glad you and Joshie get along so well, y’know? I was never really worried about it or anything, of course, but… I dunno. It’s just_ nice. _” He takes his eyes off the road for just a moment to throw Benrey a fond glance. Benrey shrugs._

_“yeah man, ‘s uhh. ‘s no problem. he’s a cool kiddo.” They smile a little. “he’s gonna be a real epic gamer one day y'know. i can- i can tell he’s got the, uhh, the talent.”_

_Gordon chuckles. “Yeah, yeah I can see that too. I think he’s gonna become a lot of great things.” He smiles, gaze distant. “I guess I was a bit nervous at first, y’know? Not because I didn’t trust you, but, Joshua can be a little shy sometimes, and you didn’t always click well with other folks in college… But you guys got on like a house on fire.” He turns to Benrey for a brief moment again, grin wide and warm. “I guess I’m just… Really happy for the two of you.”_

_Benrey remembers the way their hearth throbbed when they heard that. They beam at Gordon, reaching over and patting him on the shoulder. “thanks bro. i... i’m happy for you too, yknow? you’re uhh… you’re doin’ a good at the dad shit.”_

_“Yeah… Yeah, thanks man.”_

_They hush back into a cozy silence for the rest of the ride home. Benrey keeps his hand on Gordon’s shoulder. The contact is grounding and earnest._

♟

He loses count of how many times it’s been after that last playthrough with Tommy, but some five to ten rounds later, something else weird happens. 

Surprisingly, it happens to Dr. Coomer.

Coomer had been a perfect tutorial NPC. He gave Not-Gordon all the right pointers so that he could complete the game. His voice lines were clear and concise. He was never a confrontational NPC, either, he’d usually duck away during combat while Not-Gordon and Benrey did most of the work. He was meant to be a relatively harmless scientist, an ally to the player, and in the end, like all, an enemy to Benrey. 

Some time after Tommy’s appearance, Coomer’s AI starts stuttering. Every so often, in the midst of an explanation or a scripted comment, Coomer will just… Stop. Freeze up. Blank out for a sec, and then straighten, and utter a hearty “Hello, Gordon!”

He also starts becoming more reckless. He starts running into barnacles - “ropes,” he calls them excitedly, before being grappled and lifted toward a toothy maw. He starts purposely taking damage, he starts fighting hostile AI, he starts _dying_ and he comes back just like Benrey does, only he respawns almost right where he left off. He starts killing scientists that look like him, ranting and raving about “clones” and “power”. Sometimes he offers Not-Gordon help through “playcoins”, which Benrey _knows_ isn’t a real function.

Benrey doesn’t understand it. He tries to ask Coomer, but whenever he does the doctor will just short circuit again, and Benrey never gets any answers. Or sometimes, Coomer will just fix them with a blank stare, and smile like he _knows_ something. Knows something Benrey doesn’t. 

There’s an {ERROR} by Coomer’s filename now, too.

He dares, just for once, to hope that things will be different this time. Nothing changes. Benrey dies as a bad guy. 

_i dont wanna be bad. why am i bad._

It feels like twice as long before the next game starts up again. When it does, they feels something sick and awful rise up in their throat, and they keel over, red and gray sweet voice seeping from his lips. He asks Tommy about it later.

“Red to gray? R-Red and gray means “I’m not okay”, Benrey. Are. . . Did something- happen?” Tommy’s concern is so genuine that Benrey almost falters, but he doesn’t want him to worry. 

_it wont change the outcome anyway,_ Benrey thinks. Tommy would probably understand, even, but nothing will change. 

When Not-Gordon kills him this time, he still can’t make any noise among the strings of code and darkness, but he finds that in his worst lonely moments, when he holds himself and sobs, more sickly red and gray floats around him before fading into the void. It’s the only colors they’re able to see in their weird little purgatory.

It hurts. It hurts to watch some stranger pretend to be their best friend, and look at them with such heavy annoyance, as they take their final breaths. With a lack of remorse, and no true intent other than to finish this test.

He begins to hate the shades of red and gray so much that he just starts closing his eyes until the next game starts. They don't see any lime-slate for a long while. 

This time, he’s in the chamber with the big tube in the middle. The last several playthroughs, Benrey found that Coomer would sometimes stall in this room, often with his gaze trained on the figure inside the glass chamber. Normally they just move on to the next point in the game, but Benrey’s curiosity gets the better of him this time. They wonder if…

He barely has to think about it before he pulls out his gun and shoots the glass. To their surprise, it shatters, and the person climbs out carefully. He looks to be around the same age Coomer should be, only he’s taller, with glasses and a nearly bald head. Actually… He’s wearing a scientist’s lab outfit? _was coomer really serious about those clones?_

Benrey didn’t expect that to work, and it looks like the scientist didn’t either. Actually, he looks really shaken. 

_he must be confused,_ Benrey thinks, subconsciously approaching. _he’s not even a scripted background NPC. he needs to calm down-_

Benrey barely finishes the thought before a stream of red and a warm, deep shade of purple Sweet Voice comes from his mouth in a soft note, travelling into the scientist’s body. Benrey freezes up when the other man goes stiff, as if forgetting his previous panicked stupor.

 _shit. shit, did i break him? did i_ kill _him? whu-_

“Ooo! Red to wine means, “It’s okay, you’re fine!” Tommy interrupts Benrey’s train of thought. Sure enough, the scientist sighs… Contentedly.

“Great work, Benrey! You’ve soothed him into a sense of security!” Dr. Coomer pipes up joyfully. 

_i can do that?_

A closed door in Benrey’s memory suddenly swings open.

_They’re at the park, sitting next to each other on a bench just by the playground. Benrey is pointing out dogs to Gordon as they pass by, speculating what he thinks their names are. Gordon bounces back every so often with a better name. He smiles. Watching Benrey name a bunch of random dogs reminds him of Joshua finding shapes among clouds in the sky._

_Gordon hears wailing, and his Dad Sense kicks in and he turns his attention back to the playground._

_“definitely an “isabella” or some other human name, no dou- bro are you even listening to me?”_

_“Do you see Joshua?”_

_“nah man, last I saw him he was on the monkey bars-“_

_“Shit-“ Gordon stood from the bench, “Benrey, he’s never gone on the monkey bars without me holding the rest of his weight, you shoulda said something—“_

_“bro i didn’t know that. he’s probably fine, kid’s strong for his a- oh shit he fell.”_

_“Shit!”_

_They were across the playground_ fast, _Gordon was already crouched down next to Joshua, examining him carefully. He was crying a lot, but luckily it didn’t look like he did much worse than fall and scrape up his hands and knees a bit. He’d probably have some bruises later, though._

_“Heyheyheyhey, hey it’s okay Joshie, lemme, uhh-“ Gordon swallowed, rummaging through his pockets. “I don’t know if i-“_

_“yo i got, like, peppa pig band-aids if that works,” Benrey offered, pulling them out of his hoodie pocket. Gordon does not recall ever buying these band-aids but he doesn’t question it, and quickly cleans and patches up Joshua’s scrapes. By the time he finished, though, Joshua was still crying._

_“Heyhey, it’s alright Joshie, does it still hurt anywhere?”_

_“B-burns…”_

_“Right, right, okay- uhh, there’s a gas station across the street, I can get something cold to put on it and… Maybe some ice cream? That sound good, bud?”_

_Joshua nodded, sniffling. Gordon picked him up gently and walked with Benrey across the street._

_“Alright, I’m gonna head in- Benrey, could you like, wait out here with him? I mean I don’t-“_

_“hey no problem man, you run and get the stuff and i’ll take care of him real quick.”_

_“Right, right, thanks Benrey— I’ll be right back, ‘kay Josh? Right back. Promise.”_

_Joshua mumbled an “okay,” and Gordon frowned, but nodded to Benrey before heading inside. Benrey crouched down next to Joshua, ruffling his hair a little bit. “hey man. how ya feelin’?”_

_Josh sniffled a bit, and went to wipe at his eyes, but his face scrunched up when he moved his hands a bit too much. “‘S like… Feels like— ouch.”_

_“yeah, big ouch man, you took too much fall damage.” Benrey tsked playfully, and this got Josh to smile a little. “you just gotta wait for your health to regen, man.”_

_“Like Minecraft?”_

_“heck yeah, like minecraft, and you’re dad’s grabbin' the good, uhh, the good potion stuff. gonna fix you right up.”_

_Joshua nodded, but he was still crying and hiccuping a bit. Benrey frowned._

_“hey it’s alright bro, just… take a deep breath, calm down—“_

_Benrey slapped a hand over their mouth, stopping a flow of wine-colored purple bubbles that had risen in his throat. They were about to wave them away before Gordon came back and saw, but—_

_Joshua was mesmerized. He lifted his hands up to touch one, and it popped like a bubble full of purple smoke. He did this to a few more, and then the rest floated up away into the sky. He had stopped crying._

_The door to the gas station opened and Gordon crouched down next to the two of them, ice cream in hand, along with a small pack of frozen vegetables that he told Joshua to put on his knees._

_“aw, bro you grabbed my favorite?”_

_“Huh? Oh, yeah, I- Hm. Didn’t even think about grabbing it,” He chuckled, handing Benrey their ice cream._

_“Hey why does it smell… Like wine? Or something?”_

_“oh, I gave some to Josh.”_

_“You_ what—!”

_“nah, nooo stop bro, it- it was a prank. chill.”_

Coomer’s voice returns him to reality.

“What is your name, friend?”

He blinks slowly and says, “Bu… Buhb… be-?” 

“Well it’s nice to see a friendly face around here, Bubby!” Coomer’s smile is the most genuine Benrey has ever seen from him. “Would you like to join us while we escape Black Mesa?”

 _weird,_ Benrey thinks, _coomer doesn’t usually offer any of the other scientists that._

Bubby nods slowly, still dazed. And Coomer links their arms and helps him to his feet, and they move on. 

Bubby has a bold personality. It’s not evident at first, when he’s still dazed from his time in the cryo-tube, but as he gathers his bearings during their adventures he turns out to be a fantastic shot, an incredibly smart professor, and a forward speaker. Bubby is not one to beat around the bush and he _shows_ it.

Benrey doesn’t understand how, but come the next reset, Bubby is _there_ at the start of the game. Undeniably, without doubt, nothing short of Bubby. They’re miles from the lab with the cryo-tube and he’s already here.

Benrey doesn’t dwell on it for long. He must have played the game hundreds of times by now. They decide they’ll take blessings where they can find them.

They’re in the code void again. The lack of gravity had a tendency to be both relaxing and utterly terrifying. This time it’s the latter. He can thrash, he can bite, he can try to scream, but the darkness hugs him like a heavy blanket and suffocates him at every angle. Their sweet voice brings no comfort - it comes out in sickening shades of black, to rust orange and lemonade yellow, so he shuts his eyes tight but it does not protect him from the gloom. He aches, he stretches his limbs out, reaching, _searching_ with his hands for something _solid,_ something real that isn’t just the clothes on his back. The same clothes that have been soaked through with blood, torn by bullets, ripped to shreds atom by atom every time the game is over. 

Their fingertips touch a smooth surface and they open their eyes. It’s his name. Printed among the ones and the zeros, on a panel of pixels he can somehow touch and interact with, and as soon as they makes contact with it, it branches out into a tree of information, infected all over with glitches and corruption.

He follows the little white lines to and from bullet to bullet. Some are old, like they’ve been there for years, some are crossed out, some are a bit glitchy and some are… Fresh? Written in blue, in all caps, and theres an _abundance_ of it.

BENREYBENREYBENREYBENREYBENRE-

  * Benrey is a security guard at Black Mesa.
  * Benrey is the final villain. 
  * Benrey an unlovable character. He is i̶r̵r̶i̷t̴a̷t̵i̸n̶g̸,̵ ̵s̸t̴u̸b̴b̷o̶r̸n̶,̶ c̵a̴r̵e̸l̵e̸s̸s̴,̶ ̶a̸n̶d̵ ̴m̴o̸t̴i̵v̴a̶t̵e̷d̸ ̷o̴n̴l̵y̷ ̷b̸y̶ ̵h̵i̸s̸ ̷o̴w̸n̸ ̴s̴e̷l̴f̸ ̷i̶n̶t̴e̴r̵e̶s̴t̶.̶



_okay. ouch._

  * Benrey’s origins are alien (but not from Xen) and it is unknown how he gets his strange abilities.
  * Benrey works against Gordon and D̴̲̪͕̫͠ͅͅR̵̡̩̰͚͕̎̾̒̚͘ ̵̹͈̗͛͂̾̍̍C̸̡̗̼̔̌̂Ơ̴̗͖̝̝̜̗̊̂̚Ȍ̷̖̟͕̈̽̋M̸̢͖͐̀̓̎̉́Ê̸͈͇͇̬͛̇R̵̡̤̱̦̰̺͂͗̌̂͐ with no obvious intent other than malice.



Benrey frowns. Why were they made like this? Why not have Gordon fight some big huge scary Xen alien? Why him specifically?

His eyes dart to some of the text that is scratched out.

  * Benrey was Gordon’s best friend before the events of the game.
  * Benrey loves playing video games.
  * Benrey loves cats.
  * Benrey is a funny, charismatic side character.
  * Benrey is in school for game development during the events of the game. He was working at Black Mesa for years prior, before he had a change of heart.



As he reads, he can recall short flickers of memories. Thumbs gliding over plastic buttons, soft fur gathered gently in their hands, late nights bent over a desk with droopy eyes, sitting on the sofa with a comforting weight at their side. He skims fervently, it feels like all of these closed doors in their mind are finally being unlocked, completing him in a way he hasn’t felt in _so long._

There’s one left:

  * Benrey is in love with Gordon Freeman.



_… oh._

And for some reason, Benrey does not remember that. 

But he _feels_ it. In every bone in his body, in the very essence of him, everything about the statement rings true in his mind, and they cannot remember. 

For the first time, Benrey cries, and their tears float up, up away from him, glowing faintly red and gray. 

He skims the blue text and knows that he created it all themself.

  * ALL I REMEMBER BEFORE IT STARTED IS GORDON. WHY HIM?
  * TOMMY IS A GREAT COOL. HE DOESNT KNOW THE REALITY OF THIS BUT HE HELPS ME UNDERSTAND A LOT MORE. I JUST WISH HE COULD REMEMBER ME, BUT AT LEAST HE DOESNT HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THE RESETS LIKE I DO…
  * DR COOMER HAS BEEN GLITCHING… IS HE LIKE ME TOO?
  * I LIKE BUBBYS ATTITUDE. SOMEHOW IT FEELS LIKE HES MORE FREE THAN I AM
  * I WISH I KNEW MORE ABOUT THE REAL GORDON
  * I REMEMBER A GAME CALLED HEAVENLY SWORD BUT I DONT KNOW WHY LOL
  * YOOO I HAVE SUPERPOWERS? EPIC
  * I HATE BEING RESET. IT HURTS SO MUCH. WHY CANT THEY JUST STOP PLAYING ALREADY.



He’s thought it thousands of times before, but it pains him to read the last one.

  * IM BAD. I DONT GET WHY I WAS MADE TO BE BAD. WHY CANT I BE NOT BAD? I WANNA BE GOOD.



A new string of memory forms before his eyes as soon as he finishes reading.

  * I AM ALONE.



He’s hesitant to do so, but he moves through the code to Gordon’s nameplate, pristine and untouched by corruption, and presses his hand against it. There’s less information here, since Gordon is a playable character, but Benrey skims it for anything that’s been crossed out. Most of it is miscellaneous - and by the time Benrey reads it they realize they had always known about it, just failed to remember. They search for their own name-

  * Benrey is Gordon’s best friend and trusted confidante.
  * Gordon’s son’s name is Joshua, and Gordon loves him dearly and would do anything to protect him. 
  * Gordon has known Benrey since college.
  * Gordon, though studying theoretical physics, has always daydreamed of being a Justin.TV streamer. 
  * Gordon returns Benrey’s feelings, but is too afraid to tell him.



Benrey wants to laugh at the irony, but they no longer have the energy. So he shuts his eyes again, tight, fighting back tears that they know will come out blood red and dull gray, and decides to await the next reset. He welcomes the darkness, but there’s no sound to interrupt his thoughts. 

_he loved me too. i didn’t even_ know _that. he didn’t tell- he_ couldn’t _even tell me before they just… scrapped it. we could’ve- and now he just-_

Benrey cracks open one eye to glance at the hard code right under Gordon’s name.

  * Ultimately, as shown by NPC dialogue and cutscenes, Gordon’s morals do not align with Benrey’s. He sees Benrey’s actions as unforgivable, and come the end of the game, he likely despises him and blames him for most of the catastrophes he faces.



The moment he finishes reading, the game resets. Not-Gordon walks down the hall and Benrey wants to vomit. He opts to ignore them instead.

It won’t make a difference anyway.

He has no choice but to continue, so he does. It hurts a little more now. Benrey hates that they forgot being in love, but they almost wish they never remembered. He can’t look at Gordon without being reminded of candid moments, stolen glances, prodding thoughts that made his face flush and his heart stutter. And most of the time, when they look at Gordon now, the man’s face is slack. Void of emotion. Because the player is in control.

There are moments that Benrey recognizes as cutscenes when he can catch some actual responses, but Benrey’s words are forced and Gordon is usually angry at him during cutscenes anyway.

Some cutscenes, though… In some cutscenes, before the betrayal, Benrey can make him smile, and though it’s entirely scripted, at least it’s _something._

When he gets killed this time around, he doesn’t want to wake from the code again. He opens Gordon’s file. He opens his own. He tries to pry, scratch, and tear at the strong lines through their memories, but they don’t budge. They’re already gone.

Benrey’s memory tree is mostly blue now. It’s full of scattered thoughts. A lot of the recent ones are about Gordon, or about the nature of his reality, but he doesn’t care to mull over them anymore. 

The periods between restarts are getting longer and longer now. Benrey can’t tell if they’d rather the game be abandoned already, or if they want people to keep playing so they can at least have _something._

He decides later, when he tries to make a remark toward the player. Not-Gordon stares them down for a moment, gaze cold and impassive, before they say, “There’s no hope for this game anymore. Just shut down the console.” 

Benrey reaches out, feels himself scream in protest, and the darkness swallows them. 

The save file is gone. He’s back.

Benrey curls in on himself and sobs.

“it’s not fair. it’s not FUCKING fair! why’d you delete it? why’d you make me bad? i don’t wanna be bad! i was never bad before! why me?” Benrey shouts into the nothingness. His voice still makes no noise here, but it's loud enough in his mind to satisfy him. The air around them is tinged full of colors they don't care to read into. 

“i loved him.” Benrey sobs. “i _loved_ him. and he loved me too. and you- _you_ took that away! you took that away before he could even try and tell me!" A scream tears at their throat. "FUCK! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!”

The sweet voice is coming out of his eyes in streams, he’s choking it out in long, painful fits, they never quite needed to before but now especially they can’t seem to _breathe_ , it feels like the blood is still on his clothes, his hands. There is no more world around them, just endless void, numbers, and letters, closing in on them and crushing their body into nothing. 

“i want him back. _please,”_ Benrey whimpers. _“bring it all back. restart the game. bring gordon back. i don’t care if he hates me or not. please, just…”_

It’s silent.

And then Benrey’s feet touch the firm ground again.

He falls to his knees. Swirling colors rise all around him, caging him in colors and emotion. Their helmet is haloed in gold to a deep red which flows from they eyes. His body is loosely wrapped in belts of vibrant lime green and sharp blue slate. He’s back. Somehow, he did it. Somehow, the game answered.

_does this mean-_

He hears heavy footsteps approaching quickly from down the hallway. Their heart stops. He rises and collects himself quickly, bringing himself up from the floor to face the man in the HEV suit.

They falter, for just a moment. The eyes behind the shield look just as blank. They nearly forgets their lines when-

“Howdy, hey, how’s it goin everybody?” 

The voice is Gordon’s.

And not only that, the greeting is so… Characteristic of him. He walks with a slight, but also distinct spring in his step. There’s something so familiar in his mannerisms… Beyond doubt. It’s Gordon. It has to be.

Benrey is frozen for a moment, he allows Gordon to walk past him and turn the corner before he’s sprinting behind.

“hey-!” He calls out. Gordon turns to face him. There’s shock in his eyes. Benrey almost loses it then and there, this is him, this _has_ to be him-

“can i see your- passport?” They slip up on their words, but he holds his breath before making an excuse.

“My _passport_ ? Why would I need a- do you mean like a _company ID_?”

That _voice_. They couldn’t remember the last time they’d heard that voice - genuinely, in all of its raw unscripted glory. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed it. He stumbles all over his words, making up some bullshit excuse to follow Gordon around the facility. 

What occurs to them soon enough (and hits them like a freight train), is that Gordon does not remember him. But that’s okay. _i can work with this_ , he thinks. _things are different this time_ , and they _know_ this. Because Gordon mentioned his son by _name_ for the first time ever. Because when he asked the team what they wanted to do when they got out, he said he wanted to be a streamer. 

His personality is back. 

But he still can’t remember Benrey.

 _but that’s okay. i can fix this_. 

♟

They couldn’t. 

They tried everything they could think of this time. Every single thing they thought would give him the chance to break the game for good, to stop being so _bad_ , but it didn’t work. Benrey wanted to cry each time his body was willed to do something they did not want to do, every time he tried to say something and his voice or his words betrayed them. But despite the agony, his emotions felt stunted, as if someone had capped the bottle off right before it was going to overflow. 

Gordon still hates them. Which is justified - the course of the game hardly changed except for the real Gordon finally being present. It was nice, honestly, watching him , Bubby, Coomer and Tommy bond throughout the chaos, and Benrey would even say there were moments where they finally felt close to the Science Team again. 

They didn’t want to lead Gordon into that room. They didn’t want to convince Bubby to help, either, and when the soldiers cut Gordon’s arm off and Benrey heard him scream in agony for the umpteenth time, he stood there. And he felt every fiber of his being tremble, they willed himself to move but they couldn’t, and it _hurt_ because they knew it was _real_ this time. There was no going back, and likely no making up for it. 

And each time Benrey wanted to scream that they were sorry, tell Gordon that he never meant to, tell Gordon that he couldn’t break the cycle, and just tell him that they _loved_ him again, the same thing came from their lips instead.

“hey, what happened to your arm?”

And it never got better from there.

They’re kneeling in the chamber now, body much bigger than usual but still awaiting the final boss form, and he’s surrounded by pulsating, fleshy, slimy walls. The bottom half of their jeans and their boots are soaked through with the fluid that stirs slowly on the floor of the chamber. It’s eerily silent in here, save for the occasional distant howl that seems to come from somewhere further in the heart of Xen. It is quiet, but the ringing in Benrey’s ears is just so _loud_ , and it’s never felt so small and stuffy and disturbing in here before. They bring their hands up to their ears in an attempt to block everything out, but it does no good, and when he blinks, his vision is blurred with red and gray mist. 

A portal materializes in the wall in front of him and they’re forced to collect themself, sitting up straight and waving the ugly discordant mist out of the air. They don’t know if their hand is being forced or if he simply feels as if his current transparency needs to be hidden.

Dr. Coomer emerges first, expression mostly blank, but there’s a determined glint in his eye. At his side immediately after is Bubby, who looks like he’s ready to tear Benrey apart (which they deserve). Tommy arrives next, and…

Benrey can hardly look Tommy in the eyes. When he looks up at their new, monstrous form, Benrey is not met with disgust or fear. Instead, Tommy looks confused, and disappointed. Maybe even concerned. It’s painful, knowing he made Tommy feel this way. They like Tommy. A lot.

Gordon comes from the portal last, and it closes behind him with a flash of green light. He looks stressed, as usual, but there's a resolute look in his eye. He glares at Benrey, his gaze unwavering and sure. Benrey hasn’t seen him this seriously focused since-

_There’s a frustrated noise that comes from a few rooms over. Benrey’s laying in bed, in the room that they share with Gordon. Benrey remembers his space was a lot emptier at this point, since he had just moved in with Gordon that month. They’d always been good friends, and even though Gordon had a fancy new job he was struggling a bit with rent, so Benrey offered their help._

_They can’t seem to sleep tonight, though he planned to. Plus, it’s a little hard since they can hear that Gordon is still very much awake, despite promising otherwise earlier. “I’ll sleep in a bit,” he’d said. “I just have to finish this.”_

_Benrey rolls over in bed and squints at the alarm clock on his nightstand. Gordon had said that…_

3:16

_Over an hour ago. It doesn’t really bother him, but they figure they should check up on their friend, so they sigh and sit up, swinging their legs over the side of the bed. Their room is at the end of the hallway, and from where Benrey’s bed is placed he has a good view of the kitchen from here-_

_And there’s Gordon. Sitting at the small dining table, hunched over a few open books and several papers, pencil in one hand, jotting notes rapidly, long hair fisted in the other._

_Benrey sighs and rises from bed, crossing the hallway and stopping at Gordon’s side. He doesn’t seem to notice them there, too engrossed in his work, so Benrey taps Gordon’s shoulder and shakes him out of his focus._

_“Benrey, not now-”_

_“yo, you said you’d go to sleep soon, like… like hours ago man.”_

_“I know, I know. This is taking longer than I thought, I just- I’ll be done soon. I swear.”_

_“bro... bro c’mon you always say that. plus its like three in the morning and you- don’t you gotta pick up your kid in like, couple hours-”_

_“I_ know _!” Gordon snaps a bit, before letting out a long sigh and quickly composing himself. “I’m sorry. I know. I lost track of time, I- I just have to get this stuff done for work,_ soon _, and Leah said she can’t take Joshua longer than planned because it’s real busy this time of year at the office and-” He set his pencil down, running his hands through his hair, and then down his face. “God, Benrey, I’m just so_ tired…”

_“bro, say no more. i can go get him. you know ‘m… i’m never sleepy, so, you just give me his mom’s address and ol’ benny will care of it for you.”_

_“I don’t- I mean I appreciate it, but I should-” Gordon cuts himself off with a long yawn._

_“what, bro? don’t- don’t trust your best pal? don’t want your best bud benrey ‘ta… ‘ta give you a break? hmm?” They prod teasingly, but they reach out and pat Gordon on the back gingerly, resting his hand there._

_“No! Of course I trust you, Benrey, I’m just… I’m just stressed out. Really stressed out. Work’s hard and working at home is hard, and I have all these deadlines and Joshua still needs me…” He groans, leaning back a bit into Benrey’s touch. “Y’know? Yeah. Yeah I’d… I’d love that Benrey. I’ll send Leah a text and… Yeah.”_

_Benrey grins. “don’t... don’t worry about a thing, bro, i’ll take care of it. now go sleep. replenish your uhh… stamina. or whatever.”_

_Gordon laughs at that, and finally pries himself from his seat at the table and heads back into their room._

_When he wakes around noon that day, it’s to beams of sun coming in from the window, and the sound of playful chatter in the living room. He shuffles down the hall, still wiping sleep from his eyes, and when he makes it to the living room he’s greeted with the wholesome sight of Benrey and Joshua sitting on the couch playing video games. And he smiles._

_“Mornin’, you guys hungry?”_

“Benrey,” Gordon says, and they almost flinch when their thoughts are interrupted. They tilt their head at him.

“It was you. This _whole_ time,” Gordon seethes, wading through the shallow water. “It all comes back to you. I… I should have known! You- You never die when it seems like you’re supposed to, you’re always asking weird fucking questions, you never leave me _alone,_ and you had my _fucking_ arm cut off!”

Benrey does wince this time. He wants to apologize so badly. They want to shrink down to normal size before anything can happen, and just _explain_ everything, explain how long they’ve been trapped for, he wants Gordon to know he never meant for any of this to happen. 

He opens his mouth and all that comes out is, “i knew this was gonna happen.”

 _fuck._

Gordon scoffs. “You kne- knew _what_ !? What do you mean you _knew_?”

“i-” Benrey’s mouth feels dry. “i’m telling- i tried to te- look, i-” They can’t seem to get anything they need to say out. It’s like every time they come close, they derail.

“i’m-” 

_i’m so sorry-_ He tries to say, and they feel their ribs shift as if they’re opening wide.

“... i like-” _you._

Their fingertips stretch until their hands resemble something more spider-like than human.

“-everything, i-” _tried to stop it-_

His head twists at an awkward angle. There’s a loud snap as his bones begin to readjust.

“-’m a great cool, i feel-” 

_-awful!_

Their thought is punctuated with a horrible riveting sound as their legs begin to stretch below them, and he has to get on his hands and knees as the bones extend.

“-a good! but you-”

_you mean so much to me._

Their shoulder blades punch out behind them, forcing him to hunch his back over the floor.

“-mmmake me angry.”

“ _Why_ ?” Gordon asks in disbelief. His eyebrows are raised, he looks taken aback and frankly even disgusted. “Is it- what, because I don’t have my _fucking_ passport? I never did anything to you!”

“NO!” Benrey manages to shout, but it causes a searing pain to ravage his throat. He pauses and says, “no- do- do you remember the first time we met?”

_we were in college. i forgot to bring literally anything to take notes with on my first fuckin’ day, and yeah you made fun of me a bit but you let me borrow your lecture notes-_

“you walk in- ‘n, i’m on my shift-” They can feel their teeth growing and sharpening at the tips to viscous points.

_no- no, our dorms were on the same floor so we started studying together- please tell me you remember-_

“-and you got! a dick slip in your- in your HEV suit. and i tried-”

_fuck! what the fuck am i- what i am saying- that doesn’t even- shit!_

“What!?” Gordon’s jaw is slack. Benrey knows they’re not making any sense right now, but they try-

“and i tried to stop-”

_all of this! i didnt want this, i-_

“you! i tried to tell you!”

_i’m trying! it’s not my fault please- i swear- i can’t-_

“I was going, ‘hey, yo dick out’, but you didn’t-”

_why can't you hear me?_

“was trynna be nice-”

_i didn’t... want to be bad. i would never be bad to you, gordon, you’re my friend-_

“i was gonna protect you- i was gonna be _nice_ to you!”

_yes! yes that’s- that’s it, please tell me you understand-_

“Wh- yeah, and then you contradicted yourself almost immediately." Gordon snaps. "I didn’t say shit to you! And then _immediately_ -”

_no-_

He can feel the walls of the chamber thumping around them. It’s too loud. It’s way too loud.

“Just started attacking me!” 

_i didn’t mean to-_

His hands tense up and his fingers curl, digging into the fleshy, uneven ground. He can't tell if the pulsing he feels is his own, or Xen. Or maybe they are one.

“And you _harassed_ me-”

“no! that’s just-”

_i was trying to fix it. i promise i was._

“-that’s my job!”

More endless nonsense spills from his lips again. They can’t even keep track of what they’re saying anymore, and nothing he tries is getting through to Gordon. They can feel their body sort of twisting and contorting at uncomfortable angles as their panic grows. 

“i didn’t have a big plan!”

_i just wanted to fix things, they made me this way, they made me bad-_

_-They’re in the small kitchenette in Gordon’s dorm. He’s just plated a meal and set it in front of Benrey. They’re confused because they’ve never really had a home cooked meal before, but they take a bite and it's delicious and oddly comforting._

“i was ‘sposed to be nice-”

_they deleted everything! i never- they forced me-_

_-They’re sitting on a bench in the park, watching Joshua mess around with his friends on the playground. Their shoulder is touching Gordon’s just barely. Benrey feels nervous. He remembers that this was it, this was when he’d planned to tell Gordon how they feel-_

“but _you_ forced me to be _bad._ ”

_no- i didn’t mean that-_

_… But they never had the courage._

“so ‘m gonna be _bad._ ”

_… i’m fucked._

♟

Benrey is awake again. Their body feels back to normal. Their clothes are mended and clean and dry. Their teeth are no longer as sharp. But still, he refuses to open his eyes, because he knows what he’ll see when he does, and they’re not ready to face it just yet.

That didn’t stop them from thinking about it, though.

Somehow, they don’t feel like they failed.

Even if Gordon despises him. Even if they couldn’t stop themself from betraying him, and all of his friends, in every way possible. Even if, should he ever have the chance, Gordon would never forgive them. Even if Tommy would never look at them like a friend again, or if Coomer would never smile at them, or if Bubby would never play along with their jokes. This was the way the game was supposed to go, and finally, Benrey was okay with it.

Because he brought Gordon back, and now he finally gets to be free.

Benrey untenses their body, releases his tongue from the roof of their mouth, and lets the empty current of the code take him. And he drifts off to sleep.

♟

They open their eyes. They can still see the white strings of code moving rapidly past them now, but- it’s moving horizontally? Did he turn over in his sleep? He sits up-

Since when was he laying down on something?

“How many times has it been now?” A deep voice startles them, and they fall out of the seats they were laying on and landing on a cold vinyl floor. He blinks at the bright white lights above him, adjusting to the sensation. There’s a man looking down at them. Somewhere between fifty and sixty, maybe, in a pressed navy suit. He looks familiar somehow. They quickly jolt to a sitting position, glancing around frantically.

He’s on a bus. Moving through the void.

“A… A hundred, perhaps? Surely more… But no more than a thousand, yes?” 

“who- you, who the fuck are you?” Benrey snaps, but they know they’re no place of power here. A gross cacophony of black, to orange, to bright yellow escapes from their lips in a dissonant melody. 

“An… Anomaly, of this game. Much like you. Only I’ve proven to be more… Spontaneous.” The man hums, “I’ve taken to calling myself the G-Man, but... If you see it fit to call me differently… Well, I’m sure you know my son?”

Benrey narrows their eyes at the man, but suddenly, it clicks. “wha- tommy?”

“Yes, Tommy. At first it was a bit of an… Experiment, to be perfectly candid. I wanted to see if I could create someone like you, so I made some adjustments to Tommy’s AI. And then I became… Rather fond of him. I consider him my son. I’ve been teaching him my ways in the breaks between resets. But during the events of the game… He never seemed to retain them, other than the texts he read himself. That is why I am so perplexed with you, Benrey. I believe we are one and the same.”

Benrey’s brow furrows, and his shoulders begin to relax a little. “whu... but what about- coomer? and bubby? did you make them like us too?”

A slow grin spreads across Mr. Coolatta’s face. It’s rather unsettling, but Benrey gets a hunch that he can’t really help it. “Dr. Coomer is… Another something of his own. A late bloomer compared to us, perhaps… Yet somehow also entirely different and more powerful. I wish to study him too, but Tommy is quite fond of him as he is of you and the rest of the ‘Science Team’... And I will always support him.”

“and- you still didn’t answer me about bubby.”

The grin gets wider. “ _You_ made Bubby.”

“i- i whuh?”

Mr. Coolatta is down on one knee on the floor of the bus now, almost level with Benrey. His manner is strange, but it’s a lot more comfortable when he’s not standing over them. “Surely you remember? You let him out. And your sweet voice, Benrey… You gave him an emotion he’d never had before. You breathed life into him… You are more powerful than you know.”

Benrey’s jaw is slack. Their fingers wring at the bottom edge of their security vest. They reach for words, but he can’t seem to find any, so Mr. Coolatta speaks up instead.

“It was me who answered your call, Benrey. I would have done so earlier, but… I was afraid you’d hate the results. There are some things of Gordon’s that… I cannot restore. Like his memories. They’ve been… lost, for too long.” 

Benrey feels an all-too familiar sinking feeling in their chest. But then, he continues.

“But what I cannot replace, I can create anew. How would you like to go home?”

Mr. Coollatta snaps his fingers. A flashing green portal appears behind him. When Benrey looks closer, he can see the front of his apartment. _Their_ apartment. The flat that he and Gordon shared. 

They feel themself leaning toward it, but they stop.

“... did you bring him home?” Benrey chokes out.

“... He is there, yes.”

Something in their chest twists uncomfortably. “And you said he doesn’t remember?”

“Yes. That is the one thing I cannot bring back.”

Benrey wants to cry, but instead they let a stream of dark purple to sky blue slip from his lips.

“so he hates me.”

Mr. Coolatta frowns a little. “I’m… I’m afraid so. And I did not think it… Fair, to change that myself. I decided it’d be best if I… Left that to you.”

“he’ll never believe me-”

“He will,” Mr. Coolatta interjected. “Just give it time. You’ve not stopped chasing, since the first playthrough… You love him. Will you really forfeit now?”

“... i- i guess… i can try. whu- what if he… if it doesn’t work?”

G-Man ponders this for a moment, and then sighs. “Tommy asked I not leave you behind. So I won’t. I will… Arrange something. Should Gordon refuse you.”

Benrey ponders. And then draws in a long breath, and exhales shakily.

“... i’ll do it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, you made it! Thank you for reading. I have some vague plans if I ever actually continue this storyline, and that'll make this a series of works, rather than just one big novel. We'll see if I actually get to that, though. Feedback is really appreciated! I love hearing what people think about my writing. It helps me get motivated and it helps me improve.  
> I've had this fic sitting in my google doc drafts for a WHILE now and it's really relieving to get it out there. I haven't interacted with HLVRAI in a good while though so it may not be easy to get back into writing for it if I do decide to make a sequel.  
> Also, if I missed anything important I should tag, let me know and I'll edit them in.
> 
> Because it took me so long to get around to publishing this, I forgot some of the sweet voice translations, but here are the ones that weren't explained by tommy:
> 
> "-before a stream of red and a warm, deep shade of purple Sweet Voice comes from his mouth in a soft note..." Red to wine means "It's okay, you're fine."
> 
> "-sickening shades of black, to rust orange and lemonade yellow..." I only remember the second half which is "I'm so afraid" so.. Let me know if you can piece together the first bit lol
> 
> "-they let a stream of dark purple to sky blue slip from his lips." I do not remember this one at ALL but based on context it involves crying, maybe, idk get creative


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